


Equilibrium

by frigCal



Series: Between ring and pinky [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Hurt and comfort, In the end, M/M, Polyamory, everyone is happy, fluff and cute stuff, i guess, jeonghan cries, jeonghan is happy, jeonghan is overanalysing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-02
Updated: 2015-12-02
Packaged: 2018-05-04 14:55:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5338265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frigCal/pseuds/frigCal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jeonghan didn’t plan for things to turn the way they were now. He was only being his charming, gently flirty self, when the others started being obviously attracted to him. And it was all just fun and games, harmless half-crushes on him, until suddenly it was obvious that Seungcheol and Jisoo wanted more, and he was entangled in a relationship that was almost more than he could handle. Just when he thought he had it all under control, things started getting out of hand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Equilibrium

It was always Jisoo and Seungcheol who were all over Jeonghan the most. Somehow they all got to the point where all the skinship wasn’t even weird or unusual any more. The two would always begin it - touch Jeonghan, play with his hair, hug him, hold his hand, and do so freely, never rejected. Because of how conscious of his own body Jeonghan was, he never initiated the contact.

He was always very aware of his own expressions and movements, of all the changes in his figure, muscle capability, mannerisms, and also of all the little touches others paid him, of the spots where other’s bodies came into contact if they sat next to him. But the fact that he never rejected Jisoo’s or Seungcheol’s affection, but instead accepted them with a comfortable attitude and pleasant smile – or rather by not reacting at all, not changing his comfortable attitude and pleasant smile at all - meant that they were very welcome.After all, if he was touched when he didn’t want to be, he could tense up and gently swift away from the contact in such a way that people didn’t even realise they were being rejected.

It was an unsaid agreement. Both Joshua and Coups had the same right to Jeonghan’s affection. Playing with Jeonghan’s hair might have been allowed for everyone in the group, but only they could hold hands with him, hug him whenever they want. What was most precious was that they could also spend the “alone time” with him, Jeonghan sprawled out in their laps or their head on Jeonghan’s arm, reading books or training together, all filled with sincere and honest Jeonghan expressing himself so clearly that it felt even more intimate than showering together.

Seungcheol was allowed to do just as much as Joshua was, and Jeonghan was the one to always make sure that if he lets one of them deeper, the other one is soon to follow, to not make any room for jealousy that would destroy their delicate equilibrium.

After all it all revolved around nothing being said. Jeonghan didn’t plan for things to turn the way they were now. He was only being his charming, gently flirty self, when the others started being obviously attracted to him. And it was all just fun and games, harmless half-crushes on him, until suddenly it was obvious that Seungcheol and Jisoo wanted more, and he was entangled in a relationship that was more than he could handle.

No matter how that could affect him, he wasn’t going to be as selfish as to risk ruining the perfect teamwork in the group. That, and also the fact that he could never chose any of the boys, feeling equally strongly towards both of them. All he could do was never speak about it, never approach the subject directly, slow down the pace of affections, and hope that this situation stays this way for as long as humanly possible, drawing it out until it possibly fades away, until both Joshua and Seungcheol stop feeling anything not friend-like towards him.

For both of the admirers the situation looked similarly. How could they reach for more when it was so very obvious that there always was the other one, just waiting to reach for it, too?

Yet, one day, Jisoo came to conclusion that he can’t deal with this state of suspension anymore. Of course, he could see the entire situation, including the leader in the big picture. He did have to think long and hard about what he is going to do, about what he can agree to, about what he can do and say to keep Jeonghan comfortable but also keep him close. It took him many days after he finally decided on everything until he had the courage to speak. Until finally, the moment seemed perfect.

Together with Jeonghan they managed to lock themselves out on one of those rare moments between practicing and sleeping. The other members were occupying the living room, watching a movie or dozing off already, or eating, but Jisoo decided to finish reading the manga he was halfway through in peace. He quietly murmured about that to Jeonghan, who treated this as an invitation to tag along, and rightly so. They decided to stay in one of the rooms, both sitting together on bed, Joshua reading, with Jeonghan sprawled across his lap, all content, occupied by some mobile MMO while his hair was being played with.

“Jeonghan-ah. Jeonghannie.” He bothered the guy, trying to get his attention. “You know there’s no pause. Wait.” Jeonghan answered coldly.  
After a few minutes, he sighed, content, as the screen displayed “victory”, and got up. “What is it?” He asked with a smile.

With a barely-there smirk Jisoo closed his manga and put it down, and then grabbed Jeonghan’s hand, the one that was previously holding the phone. He gently caressed it, then played with his fingers just for a second, to gather up the courage finally, trying not to drag it out too much, to not get on Jeonghan’s nerves.

“You’re really gorgeous. I adore you.” He muttered finally, and gently kissed his slender fingers.

Jeonghan chuckled lightly. “Is that all? Can I get back to the game?” He asked, very subtly trying to move his hand away, but Joshua grabbed it more firmly.

“Jeonghan-ah. I’m being serious. I adore you. For a long time now. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m in love, and it’s not getting any weaker. I’m serious.” He finally said, with a steady voice, and only after he finished, he gazed up at Jeonghan, who was pale as a ghost. Quickly, he removed his hand from Jisoo’s warm grip.

Feeling the blood rush out of his head, Jeonghan held his own hand close to his chest, unintentionally feeling how much his heart started pounding. _Was this what it felt to have the world collapse on him?_ He turned away, slipped his legs off the mattress and on the floor.

“Don’t say that kind of things. You can’t. We can’t.” He said, with a shaky voice, pressing the palms of his hands into the tops of eye sockets. “And Seungcheol…” He mentioned the leader’s name in a moment of honesty he immediately regrets. He shouldn’t have ever said that name, now it’s all going to topple even harder than it was going to before.

And then, Jisoo swallowed, preparing to say words that he thought to be one of the hardest in his life.

“I can bear with that.” There. It was much easier than he thought.

He expected Jeonghan to react vividly, but not to go even paler than before, not to clench his hair in fists and not to tremble.

“I need to think, okay? I need to think.” He said after what felt like minutes of heavy silence, without turning away or even trying to meet Jisoo’s gaze, all hunched, head bent, looking nothing like his usual, graceful self.

Of course, Joshua understood the suggestion. He got up and left, immediately trying to understand where things went wrong, but not managing to. Brows furrowed, heart aching, he closed the doors behind himself, and decided to do simply anything instead of waiting under the doors like a dog, which he was very tempted to do. He decided to just join the rest of the group, and stare mindlessly at the TV while pretending he hasn’t been just rejected.

For Jeonghan it was comparable to the end of the world. He knew he should have stopped this madness earlier, and God knows he tried to, but there’s little you can do when people find you naturally charming. _How does one stop being themselves?_ The tiny paradise he was carefully building was now crashing down. Jisoo was in for the real commitment, he wanted more and started acting up on it. The fact that he said he was willing to withstand Jeonghan also loving someone else meant only that he was already so deep down that he got desperate. And pretending to choose Jisoo over Coups while in reality the last he could do was decide? He wouldn’t bear to hurt either of them like this. And the leader himself would be so very not okay with such a turn of events, he could easily imagine all the fighting that could happen.

But it went further than those two. Not only was he just about to lose the two men he loved. Everyone who was underhand orbiting around him would suddenly realise what was going on. After Jisoo and Seungcheol leaving everyone else would see Jeonghan become a flirty shell, containing only a mess of regret and longing. Even if he was good with hiding his emotions, if not the best, one by one, everyone for different reasons, they would all leave. Multiple scenarios were running through Jeonghan’s head at full speed, all leading to him being almost an outcast, and most definitely alone.

 _It’s better to pull off the band-aid at full speed than to draw it out_ , he thought. _It’s better to end it himself than to wait for it to become a typical break-up story, leaving him pitiful and miserable. It’s better to become alone like it’s his own choice, than to let everyone see him slowly descending into darkness. If it’s breaking down, it may as well go down all the way._ Not realising how much time has already passed, he stood up, and checked his expression in the phone’s front camera, making sure his smile looks convincing and his eyes are not red. But he was looking perfectly fine, even though his muscles were aching and he felt them tremble. One of perks of being so very aware of his body was being able to control it so well. _That was one of the reasons he was such a good liar,_ he thought.

Luckily for him, Seungcheol was in the kitchen, when he finally walked out of that room. He didn’t have to feel Joshua’s burning stare as he very seriously whispered to Seungcheol a quick “we need to talk”. It looked like they already finished the movie, and judging by the sounds they were now watching reruns of some variety show, but he still kept his voice low. At this hour most of the members had been probably asleep anyway. Coups tried not to tense up immediately – after all, those words always meant troubles - but he didn’t really manage to. He followed Jeonghan to the room, almost asking him what’s wrong, but catching the vibe that rushing him would be no good.

Jeonghan pointed leader to the bed, and he himself sat across from him, on the mattress on the floor. He took a couple of deep breaths, trying not to fiddle with his unruly hair, and just flick it out of the way instead. But there was no way to avoid the subject any more, not when Seungcheol’s stare was drilling in the top of his head and when he could feel the countdown to when he breaks down into tears, which is something he has always wanted to avoid as much as possible.

He couldn’t start from the beginning, because he didn’t even know when it all begun, so he started from the middle instead.

“Seungcheol-ah. You know what kind of person I am, you know what I’m like. You’re next to me most of the time, you know me. You see it all, right? No, no, don’t answer. That doesn’t matter. What I mean, is…” A pause for a deep breath.

“Seungcheol, did you… Please tell me, you’re not in love with me, right?” He asked, desperately grasping for the last straw that was that indeed, this was true, and S.Coups didn’t feel anything like that towards him. “Just don’t lie. Because I’ll know.” He added, almost as if he’s admitting defeat.

But Seungcheol swallowed, staring down for a second, and then decided to spill everything, because if Jeonghan was asking so straightforwardly, he wouldn’t disrespect him so much as to lie. After all it’s true, Jeonghan would know. He always knew. Afraid to reach out and grab his hand, he just stared him in the eye, even if Jeonghan’s stare was escaping all the time.

“Actually that’s not the right word. I am not in love. I love you, I actually love you, and I’d take a bullet for you. And yes. I know, what you’re like. But it’s okay.” He muttered, all of sudden sincerity feeling so easy.

This is the second time Jeonghan heard that this day, and he muttered a profanity. Because he wasn’t ready, he was so very not ready to hear something which is like a death sentence from two people he loves the most. While Seungcheol was still sitting, he stood up, and paced across the room angrily once, twice, like a storm cloud, and pulled back his hair, his fucking hair, _maybe if he didn’t grow them out it wouldn’t have all happened_ hair.

“This is bullshit.” He muttered, before he turned to Seungcheol.

“Stay here”, he ordered, with his lip just slightly trembling, and stormed out of the room, nervous like never before, because now everything was falling apart even faster, but he already decided to burn all the bridges.

He quietly approached the living room and caught Jisoo’s eyes. With a simple head tilt and pursed lips, he got him to walk out of the middle of the room, and then pulled him by the wrist silently. He led Jisoo to the room and pointed at the bed next to Seungcheol. Next thing they saw was that Jeonghan not only closed the doors but put a chair under the doorknob to jam it securely.

He sat on the mattress on the floor, and sighed deeply, pressing the palms of his hands into his eye sockets. Jisoo and Coups exchanged worried looks, neither of them knowing what exactly is going on. Finally, Jeonghan decided to speak, once again not really starting from the beginning, but he hoped both guys were filled in enough with what they already said themselves.

“I never knew this was all going to end like this. I didn’t even really know what was happening and then suddenly we were all walking around holding hands, and I knew, we all knew this is something more than just friendship.” He begun, only diverting his gaze from the floor to pass split second glances at the other two.

“It just had to be something more. But I didn’t want all the dramas, you know. We are such a good team, the group is such a great team. I didn’t want to ruin things. But apparently nothing can last forever, not even this equilibrium we had.” He started throwing it all out of his system, even though he realised he really shouldn’t have. But there was no stopping now, and if he was going to end it all he might as well end it by saying what he truly feels. He made a tiny break, just long enough for a very shaky breath, and felt tears puddle up in his eyes. Oh great. Now he wasn’t even able to move his head up, to look at the other members, while dared to just before.

“I really didn’t want this to end like this. I still don’t. But we can’t go on anymore because this has all been said and now it’s never going to be the same. Because you will get hurt, both of you will, even if I could choose either one it would all just be hell and fighting. But I can’t choose, I just cannot choose, because I just… Both of you, I just…” Tears clenched his throat, and he had to swallow and calm his breathing down for a second before speaking again.

“Because I love both of you. I love you both equally and there is no way I could choose, I’d rather have you both leave me than abandon either one.” He confessed, in an almost steady voice. The tears were burning his eyes like never before, and he was nervously wiping them, unaware of how much he’s shaking, afraid to lift his head and look at any of the two other man. Because of the uncomfortable silence for a second he thought that the two of them may start fighting, and even if the thought was quickly dismissed as stupid, it made him raise his head, and shuffle nervous gazes between the two.  
Seungcheol and Jisoo have been exchanging meaningful stares thorough the entire confession, both suddenly very aware of what the other must have said. But their expressions and Jeonghan’s words were self-explanatory. Plus, they both expected something like this to turn up, sooner or later, since from the very start they have been aware of the other’s presence near the object of their affection. The fact that neither of them tried to shun the other away was very telling.

Once again, Jisoo passed Coups a very meaningful gaze, accepting that indeed now was the time for all the secrets to be spilled. He shifted his position just so that he was able to reach Jeonghan’s hand between his, catching his eyes like that.

“I already told you I love you, right?” Not waiting for an answer, he swallowed, his throat burning as if it was pure bile, suddenly very aware of leader’s stare. “And if it’s like this, it’s okay. It’s fine. I can share, it just depends on how Seungcheol…” Before he could finish his clumsy sentence Coups interrupted with a sudden “me too.”

For a while later he contemplated why exactly he burst out this way. Was that his pride, because if Joshua can do it, he can do it too, or was it fear of losing Jeonghan? But no matter how many times he checked it within himself, it was just the truth.

“I’m fine. I can share you.” He said, trying not to think about how he made it sound like Jeonghan is an object. “After all Jisoo is… You know.” He really wanted to avoid saying “a hot guy” and “A+ boyfriend material”, because it certainly was not the right time, so he passed him a guilty look. The feeling of being “the other one” lingered in both of their minds, but not for long, quickly there was something much more urgent to take care of. Seungcheol reached for the same hand Jisoo was holding, and caressed Jeonghan’s fingers, looking him in the eye.

“Hey, Angel. Don’t cry.” He asked what they both were already thinking, seeing as Jeonghan’s face was covered in tears even more than before.

“No, no, don’t say that if you don’t mean this.” Jeonghan begged, voice breaking into a whisper. He tried to move his hand away, shivery under the touch, seriously scared.

“Don’t do this to me, don’t say that if you don’t mean it.” He managed not to add “ _don’t break me_ ” but that was what he was thinking. After all if they gave him false hope but took it away, it would be infinitely worse than just being left. But Jisoo just smiles gently, and lifts Jeonghan’s head with a gentle gesture.

“Up till this day it was all fine. All that is going to change now is that we’re a bit more official.” He tries to reason, which is slightly helping, since now Jeonghan’s eyes aren’t shying away from his face as much as they used to. Seungcheol kneeled beside Jeonghan, and fixed his hair, that now fell down again and covered half of his face.

“Did you think we were blind, and couldn’t notice each other? I think Joshua was ready for this since the beginning, too.” He claimed, glancing at the other for approval, to which Jisoo turned his head to the side, chuckling lightly.

“Maybe not from the very start, but since I saw you two together, yes.” He confessed, and joined them on the floor.

Each of them wiped tears off of Jeonghan’s face, both taking care of one side of his face, which only caused the man to cry harder, now properly sobbing. Not sure which chest to bury his face in first, he opted for some awkward hug where he pulled both men closer. In a weird, slightly uncomfortable position, hidden between the two, he felt amazingly safe. They both caressed his back and took turn fixing his unruly hair as to see his face better, Jisoo opting for the “shh, don’t cry” and Seungcheol for the “it’s all good now” arguments.

Once again they passed meaningful gazes over Jeonghan’s head, this time with shy smiles. There was still a lot of things that needed to be explained between them, but the love they both felt was identical, so at least in this part they could understand each other with no words. After all, the time for explanations will come later, when their angel is happy again.

It only took a couple of minutes for Jeonghan to go from utter disbelief to just surprise. After hearing the first relieved chuckle leave his lips, Coups offered to go and bring the tissues. He awkwardly removed the chair, and rushed out, praying that nobody heard Jeonghan’s sobs and that they won’t interfere. Jisoo opted for gently patting his hand.

“Better now?” He asked, and Jeonghan nodded. It was indeed better, even if he was slightly angry at himself for bursting into tears and getting all touchy-feely. But it was worth it, if it ended up so good, he thought. A smile slowly crept up his face. His head was still rushing, but this time in a good way, asking lots of incoherent questions, like “was this right now really real?” or “did they really just?”. To answer them, to make sure that, yes, it wasn’t just a dream, he reached out and grabbed Jisoo’s face, and without second thought pulled him in for a kiss. A bit clumsy, a bit unexpected, but accompanied with a big smile and a dazed expression.

That was the exact moment Coups managed to walk in on. For a split second his heart ached, and he considered leaving the tissue box there and leaving. Upon the doors opening, however, Jeonghan broke the kiss, and turned to the door. Seeing Seungcheol there, he reached out for him, pulling him down by his clothes, and kissed him in the exact same way and with the exact same adoring expresssion.

Eyes closed, tongues softly intertwining, the next thing he noticed was a pair of hands slowly embracing him from behind, even though Coups’ both hands were in his hair and around his face. Second later there’s a kiss being planted on his neck, because Jisoo came to the conclusion that he was waiting so long to do this that he’s not going to care that there’s anyone else kissing Jeonghan at that time, not really. Not when that “someone else” was one of the most brilliant men he knew. Besides, watching those two together was giving Joshua chills, and he felt the need to join them.

Short while later Seungcheol sat down and he, too, started kissing Jeonghan’s neck, giving him the tiniest of bites on his beauty spot. Not even bothering to hide it, Jeonghan shivered, because his dreams were more than becoming true, and embraced both of the guys, grabbing Seungcheol’s arm and slipping fingers into Joshua’s hair. The adrenaline and fright were only now passing, and he felt the happiness and relief hit him with a great wave. Somehow they all lied down onto the mattress, still pressed together.

But nothing more racy happened that night. At that time they were perfect just the way they were – cuddling, limbs tangled, Jeonghan in the middle, because for some more time Jeonghan was going to stay in the middle before things got shuffled up. All three perfectly happy, and maybe weirdly so, since usually that kind of happiness is only split between two people, but being in this all three together, they felt like the love wasn’t just adding up, but multiplying. And just like that, maybe they have reached an equilibrium, after all.


End file.
